


This Is Me Just Pretending To Know

by lesbianshipnation



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay Male Character, M/M, No Lesbians Die, No one dies/everyone lives, Slow Burn, there's no sex anyways soooo, they turn 18 real fast, underage for like 10 minutes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianshipnation/pseuds/lesbianshipnation
Summary: Connor Murphy wakes up to one hell of a problem: Evan Hansen, the kid he pushed (and tried to apologize to), told his family they're best friends. But worse than that, he told Zoe they are dating. Connor isn't ready to be out, but there's something about Evan. Something worth pitying. Now they have to make everyone believe it.Fake Boyfriend AU





	1. Mind telling me what the fuck is going on here Hansen?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I have a fake boyfriend AU problem. A serious problem. So I thought I would write one. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I have never seen the musical. So if anyone is out of character you are free to let me know but I don't know how I'll rectify it since there isn't an easy way to watch the musical. I can't go to Broadway y'all, I'm poor.
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy!

Pain. Before he can even open his goddamn eyes that’s fucking there. His mouth feels like he got hit in the face with a baseball and all his teeth fell out in the goddamn process. His throat is increasingly dry, spit scraping the back with every swallow. His entire head feels like the slow pound of a train. To top it all off he’s alive. He never thought he would make it; he’d taken what? One hundred of Larry’s sleeping pills? Maybe more? This day couldn’t possibly get any shittier and he hadn’t even opened his eyes.

He could hear the hushed tones passed from one parent to the other, his sister's light voice interjecting now and again. The whispering seems panicked, urgent. That doesn’t seem right to him, it was abnormal, to say the least. The only one who sounds normal is Larry, a combination of disappointment and hushed rage. Of course, Larry would be pissed about this; his shitbag son can’t even kill himself correctly. Larry would be mad no matter the outcome, he didn’t know what he expected.

Logically Connor knew he couldn’t fake being asleep forever. Sooner or later doctors would be piling in, demanding answers. His family would hang on his every word and then the doctor's response, but they wouldn’t believe a word of either. They would accuse him of doing it for attention, stop therapy and pills after a week, and then feel completely absolved of the situation. After all, Connor’s problems were his own; he had been a lost cause since second grade, why would that change now?

When he slowly opened his eyes, some of this situation was unexpected. Larry and Cynthia were in a heated argument in the corner, nothing unusual there. Cynthia was on the verge of crying and Larry was ready to storm out of the room. What was unusual was Zoe standing with a tray of coffee and a kid standing next to her with another full tray. Connor pursed his lips in confusion. Zoe had only dated one boy in her life. Freshman year she pity-dated some kid; he’d gotten handsy and Zoe came home crying, so Connor knocked the kids lights out the next day. The thought almost made him smirk because he would pay to deck that kid again.

“Hansen?” A violent croak came from him; he realized too late that it was his own voice dripping with confusion. It was the kid he pushed because he thought he was laughing, laughing at him. He tried to apologize because he had been a paranoid dick, then he found that weird fucking letter about his sister and everything just spiraled out of control. What the fuck is he doing here? Connor’s eyes widened, hoping he didn’t make the kid feel like it was his fault he tried to kill himself. If he was honest it had just pushed him over the edge.

Suddenly everyone was rushing over to him. Like they actually gave a shit. Evan kept a healthy distance; it didn’t go unnoticed by Connor. Cynthia was the only one who got incredibly close. She was touching his arm and crying. Fuck mom was crying. You made her cry asshole. Zoe looked at Evan, then back at Connor and started wiggling her eyebrows. What the actual fuck is going on here? Connor started to shake his head in mild confusion at Zoe, trying to figure out what the fuck she was trying to say. His throat burned, his eyes started to water. Zoe took one of the drinks off the tray and handed it to him, much to his surprise.

“We uh- we got you some coffee in case… in case you woke up today.” He took a sip, trying to figure out why his sister would give a shit. We… who the fuck is we? Were they dating now? Was that what she was trying to convey with her eyebrows? What kind of fucked up first date was this? Who would bring their new boyfriend to their brother’s hospital bed after he fucking tried to kill himself? Did she really want him to die that much? Maybe, but if she wanted him dead why did she buy him coffee with the exact number of sugars and creams he wanted? Maybe Zoe put arsenic in it. The other seven coffees looked like the different flavors he got when he wanted to switch it up; he was surprised she remembered all of them. There was no way it was Larry or Cynthia, he knew that. Neither of them approved of his caffeine addiction that was for damn sure.

“We were so worried about you honey! How are you feeling?” Cynthia was rubbing his arm. She looked exhausted; he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He had no idea what day it was or if she had slept at all.

“What is Hansen doing here?” His voice had gotten slightly smoother thanks to the coffee, but he still vaguely sounded like Kermit the frog. When he was younger he would have made Zoe laugh until she cried with it.

“Oh Connor honey, you don’t have to lie anymore! We know all about you and Evan!” His mom was smiling wide but her touching him suddenly felt threatening. Me and Evan? That I pushed him? That I was trying to be a good person by apologizing but he wrote that creepy ass letter so I bailed?

“Honey, why would you pretend you don’t have any friends? Evan is a nice boy, you didn’t have to write him secret emails!” What the actual fuck. Evan looked like he was sweating buckets and Connor could swear if you looked close enough he was quivering with fear. He had that same look when Connor pushed him or when Connor approached him in the computer room.

“Right…. Can I talk to Evan? Alone.” If Evan hadn’t been shitting his pants before, Connor would bet money that he was now. Evan was terrified of Connor even though he was hooked up to machines.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Larry muttered. Cynthia whirled around to glare at her husband.

“Larry! This is his best friend. He is allowed to speak with him alone!”

“Fine! I’m giving you ten minutes, if I hear anything suspicious I’m coming right back in.” Larry glared at both of the boys before leaving the room first. Cynthia followed her husband, most likely with the intent of giving him a stern talking to. Zoe wiggled her eyebrows up and down before putting down the coffee and accompanying her parents.

Evan just stood there. Connor had expected more of a flight response. Evan was fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. Not all that different from every day at school from what Connor could remember. Then again, everyone was like that with Connor. Connor reached for his coffee and took a long sip, considering how to approach this. Unfortunately for Evan, he had less than ten minutes.

“Mind telling me what the fuck is going on here Hansen?” The fidgeting instantly became worse. Evan was on the verge of tears.

“I-I was at the hospital, v-visiting my mom because she works here! And…. your p-parents saw your name on my cast. They f-found my therapy letter in your pocket and thought… thought you wrote it to me since it was addressed to me and it was in your pocket,” Evan trailed off.

“I got it, your letter was in my pocket. They cornered you and asked if we were friends and you lied.” Evan started nodding furiously, face turned bright red.

“I-I panicked…. I have really bad anxiety and I didn’t know what to do and they invited me over for dinner and I didn’t know how to say no, I’m so sorry,” he stumbled over the words, his speech speeding up rapidly. Connor made a dismissive gesture with his free hand.

“What’s up with Zoe and the eyebrows? Are you two dating or some shit? This is a fucked up first date Hansen.” Connor was surprised when Evan started violently shaking his head.

“N-no…. she corned me and said that us having secret emails and stuff didn’t make any sense unless….”

“Unless?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Unless…. we’re secretly dating,” Evan almost whispered the last part, his entire face engulfed in a blush.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you Hansen! You should have told her no!” Connor snarled. “You didn’t tell my parents that did you?” He tried not to let the panic come through in his voice but it came out in a crack at the end.

“No! I didn’t know what to do she was really scary…..” Evan started tearing up.

“Here’s what’s going to fucking happen: they’re going to come back in and you’re going to tell them you’re a fucking liar. Then you’re going to leave me to my coffee in peace, got it?”

Evan nodded, stray tears escaping. Shit. Connor never was any good at smoothing over weird situations. He didn’t want the kid to cry, just fix this fucked up position he had put him in. It suddenly made sense why Hansen hung out with Kleinman; he was too timid to talk back or argue with him. Kleinman could just walk all over him without any confrontation.

They both remained there in absolute silence for the remainder of Larry’s ten minutes. Evan wiped the tears from his eyes and was obviously trying to do some sort of breathing exercises. Connor was surprised when he heard him mumble something while looking right at him. Fuck, I have no idea what he just said.

“Speak up Hansen.”

“Why did your dad say he would only give us ten minutes?” It was still barely audible, but Connor made it out alright.

“Because he thinks we’re going to fuck if he gives us any longer than that,” Connor let out a sharp laugh. Evan became incredibly flustered, and for a split second Connor could see why people found him endearing.

“Why would he think that??!”

“He thinks I’m gay.” Connor could see the question ‘are you?’ forming on Evan’s lips when the door opened. For once he was almost glad Larry barged into the room. The last thing he needed was that rumor circulated around the school; he had enough problems there without that shit.

“Mom, Evan has something he wants to tell you,” Connor stated matter of factly. Evan started to fidget again; Connor hadn’t even noticed he had briefly stopped.

“I have something to tell him too! It fills my heart with so much joy that Connor has such a wonderful friend like you. I was so worried about him, but now I don’t have to because I know he has such a wonderful influence on him. I didn’t know he had you but I’m so glad he does,” Cynthia started tearing up. Shit.

“Actually, Mrs. Murphy there’s something I have to tell you. This isn’t easy for me to say-“

“Evan needs to go home. His mom called and needs him, but he’ll be back tomorrow after school. Right, Evan?” Evan shook his head up and down vigorously. Cynthia put her hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, honey don’t worry! We’ll take good care of him! You’ll be able to see him tomorrow!”

“I can drive you home!” Zoe volunteered.

“Oh no, I couldn’t impose…”

“I drove you here, you shouldn’t have to take the bus home!”

“We insist! You’ve been so good to our Connor, it’s the least we can do!” Cynthia chipped in. It almost made Connor sick to his stomach to see how they bent over backward for Evan. If he had needed a ride they all would have fought over who would have to go and someone was bound to cry at the very thought of it. It felt like at any moment they would all start fighting over who would take Evan home.

After Evan and Zoe had left, Connor realized he didn’t have Evans number so he could do some work to get their story straight. Why was he doing this? He sighed and sank into the hospital bed even further. He was glad his parents had gone to get some dinner, even if it was just from the hospital cafeteria. He didn’t want them to ask repeatedly why he was sighing. Was he really doing this for his mom or for himself? Was he so desperate to have a friend, any friend, that even a fake one would do? Or did he really pity Evan Hansen that much that when the sad puppy eyes came out he couldn’t help but want to help out? He suspected it was a combination of things, though he wished he could say he was only doing it for his mom.


	2. You Don't Get To Decide How I Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe is trying and Connor is really bad at talking. Me too Connor, me too.

   This week was fucking full of surprises for Connor. Even with this fake relationship nonsense, what shocked him most was that Zoe was in his hospital room alone at 9 am the next morning. He had been moved from the area where they put the critical patients to the psych ward that morning. It was the only reason he was awake in the first place, but the last thing he expected was for Zoe to be there. Without either parent in sight. It felt foreign, her sitting in a chair next to his bed. Not yelling at him. Not glaring at him. It had been so long it felt wrong. 

    Connor had never been a morning person. He was the kind of guy who got up around noon and stayed up until 5 am. It felt like the hospital was trying to get him to kill himself. He wouldn’t be surprised at this point, anything was fair game. Normally he had no idea what to say to Zoe, so he had even less of an idea at 9 am. He could barely string sentences along in English class, let alone say something intelligent. He knew whatever he said to her would come out sarcastic sounding, no matter how hard he tried. 

   “Where’s mom?” That at least was a safe question. Larry was no doubt at work, but Connor was surprised his mom hadn’t spent the night. She was the definition of a helicopter parent.

   “She had to go grocery shopping. There’s nothing to eat at home. They’re sick of hospital cafeteria food.” Short, sweet, to the point. Connor didn’t know what he expected. They hadn’t been close in ages. She was probably here because Cynthia didn’t dare leave him alone, not even surrounded by doctors and nurses. Connor didn’t know what gave her the idea that being alone with Zoe would make him more comfortable. He hadn’t been since he told her he was going to kill her. Was he high when he said it? Definitely. Should he have apologized? Fuck yes. Did he? No. 

   “Surprised you’re missing school,” he commented. It wasn’t intended to be malicious. He was genuinely surprised that she would miss school. He had imagined him being dead and her going back to school the next day like nothing had ever happened. Her friends would give their condolences, but he knew the truth. She would be so much happier with him gone, they all would. His family could finally go back to being happy and normal. 

   “Are you fucking serious?” she scoffed, “You tried to kill yourself and you think I would go back to school?”

   “I don’t know you well enough to say, Zoe.” 

   “No, I guess you don’t,” she paused, running her hands through her hair, “But I want that to change.” The last part was murmured. Connor wanted to yell at her for not speaking louder, that he could barely focus this early as it was. But he sat in a stunned silence for a while. Zoe wanted to get to know him? Why? She had shown zero interest since he turned thirteen. He remembered the incident that did it; he had gotten into his first fist fight at school. It was the first time a kid called him a fag, but he had wanted it to be the last. Thirteen-year-old Connor Murphy thought he was sending a message to society with some well-placed punches to the kid's face. Larry had come and picked him up from school and gave him the look: the look that somehow conveyed his complete disappointment and a sort of arrogance. It was almost like his father was saying the kid wasn’t wrong, he was a fag so why argue. When she got home Zoe asked him what happened and he ran up to his room and slammed the door shut in response. She starting giving up too after that.

   It wasn’t that Connor didn’t want to fix his relationship with his sister, quite the opposite. He had no idea where to start. Every time he thought he was on the path to getting nicer, trying to be someone different, his family would shut him down. And he sort of understood, they didn’t want to get their hopes up. Hell, he didn’t want to get his own hopes up. Half the time he thought everyone was right, he had been a lost cause since the second grade. That’s why he tried to kill himself, and it wasn’t like this was his first time doing it. He had done it countless times all through middle school. He just wasn’t caught most of the time.

   Evan. It suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. Zoe didn’t want to fix their relationship because of him, she wanted to fix it because of Evan. Sweet, quiet, respectable Evan Hansen, who no one could even imagine hating. She wanted to know him because she thought there might be a tiny spark of hope. If Connor associated with someone like Evan Hansen, maybe there was hope for him after all. No wonder his whole fucking family had been acting differently towards him; it wasn’t him they were after it was Evan. And that left a horrible taste in his mouth.

   “If you want to talk to Evan you should just do that. He would love that,” Connor spat. 

   “What the hell are you talking about Connor?” Zoe had that look she got whenever she was going to start a screaming match with Connor. Her brow scrunched and her chest puffed out. 

   “If you hadn’t found out I’m dating Evan, you would never have given a fuck about me Zoe. Suddenly I’m redeemable because Evan is sweet and nervous, right? Well guess what: I’m not Evan. So why don’t you go back to school?” Zoe’s chest puffed out even further and he knew he was in for it. They were about to slide to a new low, fighting in a psych ward. 

   “Do you know why you’re even alive right now? Because I found you on the bathroom floor, struggling to breathe. Because I called 911 you goddamn asshole. Who the fuck do you think was holding your hand in the ambulance all the way to the hospital?” Zoe started crying, but it was the angry kind of sobbing where Connor couldn’t tell if it was because she was so incredibly pissed at him or because she was actually sad, “You don’t get to decide how I feel.”

   Connor was tired of feeling guilty. No matter what he said it was never right, never good enough. He felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells and constantly smashing into them, with everyone thinking he did it on purpose. So he just sits there for awhile as Zoe is angry crying, completely unsure of how to comfort her because it’s been so damn long since he talked to her and had a real conversation, let alone one about feelings. Let alone one of him trying to kill himself. Maybe if he was good at talking therapy would actually work. Maybe they would actually let him go to therapy for more than a week before deciding it was a waste of time and money.

   “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up,” Connor admits. Zoe had stopped crying, at least momentarily. The way she kept looking at him felt weird. Her looking at him compassionately wasn’t normal. Her watching The Notebook with that look? Normal. Looking at a puppy who got stuck in something? Sure. Him? No. 

   “I know Mom and Dad make you feel like you're a lost cause. And I’ve just gone along with it but…. But you’re not a lost cause. Not to me. I really want to try to fix this. I don’t know if we can, but I at least want to try.” 

   “Okay.” Here comes another awkward silence, he can feel it. He would kill for some coffee and a book. He wasn’t used to talking to people anymore. Why would he be? He didn’t have any friends that didn’t live inside his computer, his relationship with his family was always on thin ice. Sometimes the most he said in a week was the few times he tells Kleinman to go fuck himself. 

   “So…. How are things going with you and Evan?” Here it comes. Connor had no idea what Evan had told her, what he had told their parents. Zoe wasn’t dumb by any definition. If he slipped up, she would notice immediately. And she probably already suspected that he was either paying Evan to say nice things about him or bullying him into it. 

   “Fine.” 

   “Well come on now, I’m going to need more than that! He was really upset about all this, I felt so bad.” At least Evan didn’t even have to act for this kind of thing, he was just naturally a wreck. When middle-school first started and Connor started to people watch he thought Evan was nervous because he could tell Connor was looking at him and he was afraid. But after a few months, Connor realized he was just like that, perpetually nervous. Connor thought he would make a great extra for horror or monster movies where the entire town is getting destroyed. 

   “That doesn’t fucking surprise me. He’s a goddamn wreck.” 

   “Well so are you.” 

   “Good point.” More silence. It was never ending with them. When they were home Connor always thought it was better than the screaming. At first, he had thought the silence was horrible, the weight of it crushing him. He thought he had to try and do things to fill the silence like they were waiting for him to say something, anything. But as he got older he learned to feel comfortable in the long extended silences. Not today. Today was awkward and messy like dinners on Sunday nights. 

   “He said you guys met at a State Park. That’s pretty romantic.” Did Evan know he went to the state park all summer? That would be pretty incredible. Maybe just a good guess. It didn’t really matter where Evan said they “met” because Connor would have just agreed with anything he had said. It was a little unsettling though. He would ask him about it later.

   “I mean we technically met at school. But yeah that’s where we started to get to know each other better.” 

   “What were you even doing there?” Here it was. The accusatory tone. It was never far from the surface. Like the worst thing he could do in the world was smoke some pot. 

   “Reading Zoe. There are park rangers everywhere there, what kind of fucking idiot do you think I am?”

   “Why would you go to the park to read? You know you can do that at home. Or we have that park right near the house.” Nosey as always. Because he fucking goes to the little park to smoke weed at 3 am. Because home is a stifling, horrid mess where someone is always home and someone is always in his business. Because he doesn’t want Larry to ask him what he’s reading for the millionth time. Because when he asked for book money his mom put it on a gift card.

   “So I could hit on Evan Hansen.”


	3. “Oh, congrats?” Smooth Connor. Smooth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is very bad at talking to people. He needs to practice lol Me too Connor

   His mom should have been there by now. It didn’t usually take her hours to visit the grocery store. She knew it like the back of her hand, and every time they moved something she would tell them about it for a whole half hour at dinner. He wondered if she ran into that lady again. They had fought over the last avocados on four separate occasions. It was the whitest thing he had ever heard. Connor also thought it was ridiculous that he got in trouble for fighting kids when it actually mattered, but his mom didn’t get shit for almost curb stomping a woman over avocados.

   Part of him was glad she wasn’t there. They had made him see a therapist, which was totally pointless, and Zoe had gone to get lunch and then pick up Evan. Connor could sniff out a straight therapist a mile away. He knew there was almost no way they could understand what he was going through, and the male ones were barely capable of empathizing with people in the first place. They were going to try a different therapist in the morning. Goodie. He was glad his mom wasn’t there. She would tell him to give the therapist more of a chance, that maybe they had something going on in their own lives right now.

   Zoe came back with a bag from a bookstore he frequented (he didn’t go into big box stores, they made him uncomfortable) and a tray of coffee. Connor could have kissed her when he saw she not only brought him coffee but some dry shampoo and a brush. He was starting to get greasy, which did not help his mood in the slightest. It was strange how he could barely talk to someone, yet they could know him so well. Zoe knew him better than he thought. Maybe it was because she was looking for him to screw up so she could tattle and get brownie points. He was starting to think it was just because neither of them had any idea what to say to one another.

   Evan came slinking in behind her. If that myth about the groundhog being afraid of its own shadow was true, Evan Hansen would be the personification of it. Connor was also worried about his blood-flow since it seemed all the blood constantly rushed to his face. Shit, he should probably smile at him. Zoe would start to suspect something if he didn’t look a little excited to see him. So he smiled and flipped his hair like girls did in shampoo commercials; Evan got even redder.  Connor couldn’t even stifle a little chuckle since it was kind of cute. Straight boys were cute when they were nervous.

   “Thanks,” Connor gratefully took one of the coffees. He never felt normal without caffeine, another sad part of his sad existence.

   “No problem. I got you a book at the bookstore, I had a little extra time before I got Evan. I remembered you hate Hemingway and John Green.” There she went again with the fucking eyebrows. If she bought him some kind of gay sex position book he would literally kill her. Maybe not though, he might just laugh. He and Zoe used to do those kinds of pranks to each other all the time, just before Zoe knew about sex.

   “How did the therapist thing go?” she continued. He rolled his eyes as he took a sip of the coffee.

   “They’re going to try me with a different one tomorrow. He was a prick.”

   “Connor-”

   “Before you pull a mom comment, just know he said, and I quote, ‘We need to figure out what trauma in your childhood caused your change in sexuality.’ So don’t start with me.”

   “How is he allowed to be a doctor here? I didn’t know people were still like that!”

   “Yeah, well there’s a reason I don’t like therapy.” Well a bunch of reasons, but the homophobia was a big one. Their state wasn’t even horribly homophobic. Maybe it was just that all the therapists looked like they could easily be one hundred years old.

   Connor could tell Evan was starting to get antsy. He couldn’t imagine Evan having a hot date somewhere else. This was probably his excitement for the week. But Zoe had that effect on people, which was why half of the boys in the school had a crush on her at one point or another. Zoe hated it. Connor hated it. Larry hated it. When one of the boys got too persistent, which unfortunately happened from time to time, Connor would walk Zoe to class. Zoe never protested, so he continued to do it until the guy got the hint.

   “Hey Zoe, could we get a couple minutes alone?” Zoe wriggled her eyebrows at Connor, which forced him to roll his eyes at her. She grinned from ear to ear, putting the plastic bag with the book on the table.

   “Sure, I have to go meet Mom at home anyways. She had a fight with the avocado lady again. She wants us to have dinner before we come back to check on you. Are you going to need a ride home Evan?”

   “N-no! I’ll see if Jared can come pick me up. I don’t think he’s doing much today.”

   “Well you have my number, so if he can’t get you, just text me and let me know ok? Have fun you two, keep it PG-13, there are nurses all over the place.” Evan looked like he might faint as Zoe skipped out of the room. Connor couldn’t remember the last time he had seen her so happy. Or happy at all. Connor took the bag in the silence, waiting to see if Evan would say something first. He highly doubted it. Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda; of course she would get him this. He wouldn’t complain, he’d heard nothing but good things about it. But it stung a little that she thought this would be the only kind of thing he would read.

   “We should probably figure some shit out. How long did you say we’ve been dating?” Connor was the one to break the silence, no surprises there.

   “Three weeks! But we’ve been emailing since the summer,” Evan spoke incredibly quickly and Connor wasn’t sure if he found it annoying or endearing.

   “I need to know everything you’ve told all of them.”

   “I… uh. Told them we went to the abandoned apple orchard and got ice cream. And it was the day I fell out of the tree and broke my arm. You…. you helped me to the hospital. I told them we had secret emails because you didn’t want anyone to know we’re friends… and I told Zoe some stuff you liked about her?”

   “You mean you told her all the reasons you’re in love with her?” A huge lump formed in Connor’s throat. It kind of creeped him out that Evan would say that kind of thing when it was really all the things Evan liked about her. Connor didn’t know how he would fix that problem later.

   “I’m not in love with her! It’s just a silly crush, really.” Evan started picking at his cast. Connor would bet money that he wasn’t supposed to do that.

   “Whatever, you and just about everyone else I know do. Did you tell them anything else? Anything at all?”

   “No, I’m pretty sure that was it. I was really nervous, I’m really sorry.”

   “It’s fine, Hansen. We just have to fix this fucking shit. I’m thinking we establish some rules.”

   “Rules?”

   “How long this is going to last, if we’re doing this at school or just in front of my sister, how much touching is allowed. That kind of thing.”

   “W-what do you think we should be?”

   “I think we should do it for two or three months. Say we broke up and it was mutual, go our separate ways. I don’t care if we do it at school, everyone has thought I was gay for forever,” Evan started to form the question Connor knew would come up eventually, “And to answer that fucking question, yes I am gay. But you’re not so you probably don’t want to do it at school which is fair.”

   “I’m not straight.” This week kept getting more surprising. Connor would never have assumed Evan wasn’t straight. Kleinman was gay, he was 99% sure, but Hansen? He would never have guessed.

   “Oh, congrats?” Smooth Connor. Smooth.

   “Yeah… I’m bi. So I.. could do it at school. I kind of wanted to come out anyways.”

   “Alright, so that just leaves touching. I’ll ask you before I hold your hand or hug you. We can come up with some kind of signal. Don’t know if you’re up for kissing, but it would make it look a lot more convincing-”

   “I don’t mind!” Evan spluttered, “I mean, not all the time or anything, but you’re right it would be more convincing… and I don’t want anyone to find out.”

   “To find out you’re a huge fucking liar? Gee, I wonder why.” Connor didn’t mean for that to come out as bitchy as it did. He just didn’t quite know what to do in this kind of situation. Evan cringed a little bit but nodded anyway. Connor ran his hand through his hair. He didn’t know how to talk to people. No one at school had to wonder why he had no fucking friends, why even his own sister wouldn’t defend him. It was because he was a fucking asshole and he knew it.

   “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m just really stressed. Kinda thought I wouldn’t be waking up so I wouldn’t be dealing with anything.”

   “You shouldn’t be sorry for telling the truth,” Evan whispered. Connor didn’t know what to say to that. He knew Evan didn’t lie to hurt people, that it was just a product of his anxiety. Connor wasn’t really one to talk; his depression came out as anger that hurt and alienated everyone around him.

   “Saying we met at the State Park… was a really good guess,” Connor commented after quite some time. Evan shook his head.

   “I uh… worked at the State Park over the summer…. So I saw you there all the time….” Connor couldn’t remember seeing him but that wasn’t much of a surprise. He couldn’t pay attention to anything but the book when he really liked it. Hell, even when he didn’t. There weren’t many books he couldn’t get lost in, even if he hated them.

   “No shit? Must have been a dream job for you since you like climbing trees. I’d say I saw you but I don’t see anything when I’m reading.”

   “Yeah… a bird landed on your shoulder once and you didn’t move, so I figured you didn’t see me.” Connor couldn’t help burst out laughing.

   “Holy shit! That’s hilarious, I can’t breathe!” Evan started smiling too and Connor thought he was going to pass out from laughing. He hadn’t laughed like that in a long time. It took him a long time to sober up; it felt weird to embarrass himself in front of someone who was basically a stranger. They had known of each other since first grade, but Connor couldn’t remember a time he had talked to Evan.

   “It’s getting late, you probably want to jet before my fucking family gets here. I’ll give you my number so we can talk about the email stuff.”

“Oh, yeah sure,” Evan took out his little flip phone. It was bright blue, but it seemed to suit him in Connor’s opinion. It was kind of cute that he still used a flip phone. He handed Connor the phone and Connor quickly put his number in and texted himself just in case Evan’s anxiety got the best of him. The phone vibrated and he saw there was a text from Jared.

“Kleinman is outside, you probably don’t want to keep that asshole waiting. Text me later, we can start to figure stuff out.” Evan nodded, said his goodbyes, and practically ran out of the room. Connor couldn’t blame him, he was going to fake date the scariest kid in school. Connor begrudgingly cracked open the book Zoe bought him and waited for a text message.


	4. I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than sit in the same room as Kleinman.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: repetition, panic attacks, anxiety, suicidal ideation
> 
> When I have panic attacks, I either repeat things over and over or I disassociate into oblivion. This chapter is me trying to get into Evan's headspace? I relate to him, but not quite as much as I relate to Connor.
> 
> Also, I'm not a huge fan of Jared, sorry I'm trying to love him I promise.

_What the fuck is happening. What the fuck is happening. What the fuck is happening. What the fuck is happening. What the fuck is happening. What the fuck is happening. What the fuck-_

 

   “Evan.”

 

_Of all people why did it have to be Connor Murphy? Why couldn’t it have been anyone else, literally anyone else? Why did he have to be a huge fucking liar?_

 

   “Earth to Evan?”

 

  _I wish I was dead. Things would be easier if I was dead. I wouldn’t be here lying with Connor Murphy of all people._

 

   “EVAN!” Jared yelled at him, snapping him out of the spiral he had been falling down. The panic was still there, it never really went away. Evan wasn’t sure why Jared’s voice sometimes worked to get him out of a spiral. When they were younger he thought Jared’s voice was comforting during a panic attack; now he thought it was vaguely annoying like it was interrupting his train of thought, though he would never admit it.

   “Y-yeah?”

   “Dude, I asked you four times, are you fucking serious?”

   “S-sorry, Jared. I guess I was zoning out.” Why did he feel the need to lie? Jared knew he had panic attacks over the smallest of things, so why was he lying?

   “Ugh, whatever. I asked what Heidi wanted. Why couldn’t she just text you?”

   “She just wanted to make sure I’ve been eating, taking my meds and stuff.” Why the lies upon lies upon lies? What was he gaining from any of this?

   “Really?” There was obvious doubt in Jared’s voice. Jared could always tell when Evan was lying. Ever since they were little he was able to tell and he would try two tactics: blackmailing him to get something he wanted in return for not revealing Evan was lying, or tattling on him immediately for some kind of strange satisfaction that Evan couldn’t quite put his finger on. When they were younger Jared loved the attention of adults, any at all. Evan figured that was probably it.

   “Y-yeah really.” And just like that Jared dropped it. Evan wouldn’t doubt Jared would find some way to blackmail him now. After all, they weren’t even friends. Jared used him for car insurance money. That was the only reason he picked him up today, so he could tell his mom they hung out. And his mom made him hang out with Evan because she didn’t want poor Heidi to worry about Evan not having any friends. The whole thing put a lump in Evan’s throat and made his eyes sting.

   “Alright, get out.” Jared wasn’t going to hang out tonight. They usually did that on Thursdays so Jared didn’t have to waste any of his weekends with Evan. And it was only Tuesday. Jared was going to speedily do his calculus homework and then text Evan, demanding he play Overwatch on his incredibly old, incredibly slow computer. Jared only insisted because he liked to beat someone every now and again. Jared wasn’t very good at playing Overwatch from what Evan could tell, but he didn’t argue. Sometimes it almost felt like they were friends when they played games together. It was fucking pathetic if he thought about it. So he tried not to think about it.

   “Thanks, Jared,” Evan mumbled. Jared made a finger gesture towards Evan.

   “Get on Overwatch later.”

   “I’ll try. See you at school tomorrow.” Jared drove away, leaving Evan to fumble with his keys. Evan couldn’t wait to just flop onto his bed and forget about this day, even if it was just for a little bit.

   His mom had left money and a note on the counter. He felt too sick to his stomach to even think about ordering anything. He thought about cooking rice; his mom had mentioned that plain rice could be good for upset stomachs. Evan knew the problem wasn’t his stomach. He was a mess. He was lucky if he ate one meal a day, and recently he was fortunate to eat a granola bar. Every time he thought about school, he thought about Connor. Every time he thought about Connor he thought about how he was going to fake a relationship with him. Every time he thought about that, he thought about what a huge fucking liar he was. Every time he thought about that, he thought about Zoe and how now she would never look at him the way he wanted her to. Then about how Connor was disgusted to find out his crush on her. How Connor almost killed himself because of his therapy letter-

    Evan flopped onto his bed. It was never-ending. His thoughts were constantly either crushing him or trying to strangle him. He had to take a pill just to go to sleep for god’s sake. Which he couldn’t take tonight if he didn’t eat food. He thought about having his mom order for him, but she was in class. And if he asked her she would tell his therapist he was regressing and he would have to go three times a week instead of two, maybe four times-

    Evan’s phone buzzed and he threw it across the bed. There was no way Jared was on Overwatch yet. He probably just barely got home and started his homework; his mom was in class. It wasn’t a school cancellation since it was August. Unless a senior slashed all the tires of the buses again as a “senior prank”, but Evan doubted that since those kids had to go to court for it a couple years back. Evan couldn’t think of anyone else who would text him. He literally had no friends. They didn’t have any projects assigned yet for environmental science, so it wasn’t Alana. His breathing started to pick up again. He knew it would be worse the longer he waited. Maybe it was Zoe? She had texted him the other day, even though it was about Connor.

 

_My parents keep bugging me about the email thing_

 

   It was from Connor. Evan had forgotten he had given him his number. There was so much going on, making sure his lies didn’t contradict in front of Connor’s family, remembering them all to tell Connor, pretending to be in a relationship-

 

_So we should probably actually make some emails_

 

   Evan’s heart started pounding in his chest. How was he supposed to respond? Connor was the most terrifying person he knew. He found himself sighing; he had created this problem for himself after all. But what the hell was he supposed to say to Connor’s parents when they cornered him? Hey, sorry Mrs. Murphy, this is all a huge misunderstanding. Connor was trying to be nice to me and he found a therapy letter I was writing that talked about how I have a crush on your daughter and then he tried to kill himself? Yeah no.

 

 _Oh, okay! I can do that!_ Evan texted back. He wasn’t exactly sure how he would probably ask Jared. Jared would find out one way or another anyway, so it was better to come clean. If he had Jared on his side at least he wouldn’t have to worry about lying to another person. Especially since he was going to lie to the whole school. Well, it wasn’t quite a lie. He was bisexual, but there was no way he would date Connor Murphy under normal circumstances. That guy Jason on the soccer team? Yes, definitely; though Jason would never be interested.

 

_No_

_You’ll write me wrong._ Evan couldn’t argue that. No one really knew Connor that well. Just talking to Zoe, Evan could tell his family didn’t know him either. If Evan had to do it himself he would just write a bunch of super angsty emails, probably quote some My Chemical Romance. Was Connor emo? He couldn’t really say, he wasn’t completely sure what the difference between goth and emo was, just that one wore super baggy pants and the other wore skin tight pants.

 

 _Okay, so do you want to meet up to work on it or something? I’m pretty free._ Of course, Connor would already know he was free. Everyone at school knew Evan’s Saturday nights weren’t exactly lined up, or any of the other nights for that matter.

 

_Dope_

Evan almost laughed out loud. He could hear Connor’s deadpan voice, the kind of dull quality to his voice he used when talking to teachers or Jared.

 

_Shit_

_Timestamps_

 

   Evan wasn’t that sure what Connor was talking about. Evan was technically challenged. He was surprised he used Microsoft word with few problems, which was lucky for him since he had classes and therapy letters to use it for. He had some knowledge of email, but so did everyone else his age. It took him forever to write any emails. He was worried there were errors or someone would take something the wrong way.

_??_ Evan replied, hoping they could resolve this as quickly as possible and he could melt back into his bed.

 

_Time stamps of email_

_I have no idea how to change them_

Evan gulped. He dreaded writing the next sentence, but he knew he had no other choice.He only knew so many people, and he only knew one person taking software classes. This wasn’t going to go well.

_We could ask Jared to help. He knows all about that kind of thing._

 

_I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than sit in the same room as Kleinman._


	5. Damn you’re sassy this morning!

   “I finally figured it out!” Jared announced. He was standing on the other side of Evan’s locker, finger pointed in the air like he finally figured out something of the utmost importance.

   “What are you talking about Jared?” Evan tried to keep his voice from dripping with annoyance. There was no way Jared really knew what was going on. He would spout one of his alien theories about something completely unrelated to Evan’s life and Evan could go about his morning routine, rolling his eyes the entire time. While pretending to listen. Whenever Jared asked him to repeat something from his theory, Evan would just say “it was too well thought out and complex for me to remember every detail!” It worked every time, Jared would leave beaming.

   “Why you went to the hospital yesterday! We both know it wasn’t to talk to Heidi,” Jared smirked, very sure of himself. Why do I hang out with him again?

   “Do enlighten me then Jared.” Evan sometimes kicked himself when he was sarcastic. But it was too early to deal with Jared’s shit.

   “You went to see Zoe, duh! She was at the hospital because Connor tried to off himself!” Evan whipped his head around and glared at Jared, slamming his locker shut.

   “Jared, don’t say it like that. Suicide is really serious.”

   “Ev, come on! It’s Connor Murphy. He’s tried to do it more times than you’ve jerked it to Zoe’s Instagram this week.”

   “And this conversation is officially over Jared,” Evan hissed, stomping towards class. But Jared was persistent.

   “Since when do you care about Connor Murphy? Come on Ev, everyone knows he’s a ticking time bomb.”

   “You shouldn’t talk about _anyone_ like that Jared. Obviously, he was depressed. It’s messed up.”

   “Alright, alright! I get it, you have a soft spot for your future school shooter-in-law. I’ll back off, don’t know why you’re getting so defensive,” he paused before grinning, “Unless you really did go to the hospital to see Zoe?”

   “Jared, drop it,” he looked around quickly, “I have to get to class. I need a favor though. If you want to know what’s up, come over after school? I really need some help.”

   “Dude it’s Wednesday.” Because it’s torture to hang out on a day that isn’t a Thursday, right? Evan tried his best to hide his obvious irritation.

   “Do you have a hot date I don’t know about?”

   “Damn you’re sassy this morning! Okay, I’ll come over, geez! Meet me in the parking lot, you’re buying me pizza for this.”

   “Fine Jared, whatever you want.” Evan cringed thinking about the Hawaiian pizza Jared was bound to order just to spite him. He just wanted to sit down in environmental science and stop thinking about the fucked up situation he was in for two seconds. Just sit in his seat and be left alone while they went over the reading that he barely did. He could always just ask Alana for the notes later.

   But that wasn’t going to happen. Right near his seat behind Alana (the second row, so he wouldn’t have to total attention of the teacher) was Zoe, politely chatting with Alana. Evan felt like he could puke. She was clearly there for him since she wasn’t in the class. There were a couple minutes before class started so she was hoping to talk to him before. He felt himself shaking as he put his bag next to his desk.

   “H-hey Z-Zoe!”

   “Hey, Evan! We were just talking about you! You’re just in time for the great news!” Alana beamed at him.

   “O-oh yeah?”

   “Connor’s getting released from the hospital on Friday. I don’t know when he’ll be back at school but I thought I should tell you in person!” Zoe smiled. It was a weak smile like she hadn’t slept in awhile. Evan was surprised she was back at school; she probably could have stayed out until Connor came back if she wanted to.

   “T-that’s great!” Stop shaking Evan, stop shaking. He’s not going to kill you, he already knows what’s going on. And he’s going along with it for some reason but hey. At least he’s not going to beat you up right?

   “I agree, I was really worried about him! Is he well enough to text?” Alana looked genuinely curious. Evan didn’t think Alana and Connor were friends; they were two completely opposite people in just about every way he could imagine.

   “Yeah, they gave him his phone back. I didn’t know you two were friends,” Zoe commented, mirroring Evan’s sentiment.

   “We aren’t friends per say, we’re good acquaintances. We’ve been partners in every English class since the seventh grade. I just want to see if he wants me to email him the notes and syllabus. I know he doesn’t like to fall behind.” Zoe raised her eyebrow, almost in disbelief. Evan could understand, Connor didn’t seem like the scholarly type. He was known to skip school for days at a time, only grabbing breakfast and sometimes coming back for lunch while skipping all his classes at the same time. At least that’s what Evan heard; the only class he had with him this semester was environmental science.

   “Y-you should totally text him. I-I’m sure he would appreciate it,” he offered. Zoe still didn’t look like she quite believed it, but her gaze relaxed a bit after a moment.

   “Well, Evan has spoken Alana. You should text him, I’m sure he’s bored anyways. I couldn’t move his entire bookshelf into the hospital so he’s been texting me with complaints all day. If that boy would just use a kindle like a modern person he wouldn’t have this problem I swear,” Zoe turned to Evan, “Are you coming to visit this afternoon? I can wait in the parking lot for you after school.”

   “T-thanks Zoe, but I have to help Jared with something.”

   “No problem! Like I said, he’s getting out Friday anyways. Mom will probably let him have visitors on the weekend, especially if it’s you.” The teacher had just come in and started to put his things down, the last few stragglers filing in. Zoe waved to Evan and Alana as she looked towards the door. “I’ll see you both later, I have to go to bio next door. Text me if you need anything, Evan. It was good seeing you again Alana!” And just like that, she was gone. If Evan didn’t know better he could have sworn he saw a blush creeping onto her face. That probably wasn’t for him. He was “dating” her older brother after all. Or she was getting a cold. Or she was into Alana. That was plausible. His heart sank a little; he didn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to him that she could be gay. With Connor being gay the genetic factor was probably a lot higher. He could try a Punnett square later. God, he was a nerd. Figure out the probability that your crush is gay based on the fact that her brother is gay? She would never notice him now anyway; who would date someone who dated their brother? Connor hadn’t been wrong in pointing that out. He had dug himself one hell of a hole.

   He felt his phone buzz in his pocket. No one texted him. Maybe it was his mom, but he doubted it. She didn’t get lunch until later, and she was usually busy either making more appointments for him or calling to see how the appointments were going with Dr. Sherman. The glory of being seventeen and still technically a child. He supposed she could be texting to see how he was doing. But his mom, while her schedule was hectic, still had a pretty regular schedule that Evan could count on. Unless she was called in or had to stay late. But she didn’t text him at school regularly. It could be Jared harassing him so he wouldn’t have to spend his Wednesday with Evan. No, that wasn’t right either. Jared had PE and the teacher ruled that class with an iron fist. If she caught you with your phone you were in detention for at least a week.

   He wanted to peek. Texts always gave him anxiety, but not as much as calls. If he got a phone call that wasn’t from his mom he just let it go to voicemail as he hyperventilated. And when it was his mom he gave one-word responses, begging her to get off the phone. All he wanted was for people to text him. If he had to pick any form of communication it would be texting. In person was almost as bad as a phone call, though he wasn’t sure if a phone call with Connor would be better or worse. Being in his presence was terrifying, more terrifying than a call.

   He waited until he got out into the hall. He checked for the assistant principal, who would take phones even if a student was using them in the hallway. He decided it was better to go to the bathroom quickly. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket again right before he locked himself in a stall.

 

_Thanks for having Alana email me_

 

_Really, it means a lot_

 

   They were from Connor. Evan couldn’t help but smile. It was weird to see Connor thank someone, let alone him. Of all people, Evan should be the last person Connor was thanking. Evan had made Connor’s life even messier and it was going to get a hell of a lot worse before it got better.

 

_Don’t thank me, it was Alana’s idea! Zoe and I just encouraged._

_Really, please don’t thank me._ Evan went to leave the bathroom. He had calculus next, something he was dreading. If it was up to him he would just look at the words he messaged and regret them, come up with 500 other ways to phrase the exact same thing. It wasn’t that Connor was special, he did that any time he texted anyone. But Connor was probably the only person who would actually beat him up. Connor was the only person he had ever seen get into a real fight in his entire life.

 

_I SAID THANK YOU HANSEN_

 

   The text was followed by a gif of someone slamming someone else’s head into a table. And for some reason, Evan laughed. And he didn’t even notice some other kids looking at him as he walked down the hall.


	6. Can You Just Be Supportive For Five Minutes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't like Jared. I'm trying but I just... I just ugh. It probably doesn't help that I listened to "Goin' Viral" on loop. Chapter 7 is going to include him too and I just want him to stop being such an ass lol

   “Jared stop laughing,” Evan sighed, completely exasperated. Jared had been laughing and rolling around on the floor for nearly ten minutes. Evan had thought about just letting him tire himself out, but clearly, that strategy wasn’t working. Jared could be an asshole, but this was excessive even for him. Evan wondered if the idea of Evan dating anyone, fake or otherwise was what was so amusing or if it was that Evan had ruined any chance he had with Zoe by pretending to date her brother. Or the fact that before this he thought he had any chance at all, even if it was remote.

   “Dude! Dude! I’m sorry but that is just so  _ fucking _ funny! You fucked up big time dude, holy shit!” Jared was in tears on the floor. Evan was starting to wish he had literally anyone else as a family friend. Someone even half decent with computers would do at this point. Evan should have used Google and kept Jared in the dark. But realistically Jared would have found out one way or another. 

   “Are you going to help me or not Jared?” Evan’s phone buzzed. 

_    Did you tell that asshole yet _

 

   “What exactly do you want me to do about this? I can’t just invent a time machine and stop you from being a total idiot!” Jared was slowly coming to his senses, but not quickly enough for Evan. He liked to imagine Connor punching him when he got like this. 

_    Yes, I did _ . Evan answered Connor. If Jared was going to be such a huge asshole, he was going to answer Connor first. At least Connor didn’t sit there for ten minutes laughing at his anxiety.

   “Do you know how to change timestamps on emails?”

   “Holy shit, Evan! Are you  _ seriously _ going to go all out? Why would you do that?”

   “I already told you! I just have to make this convincing for a few months and then we can pretend none of this ever happened. Can you just help us write some emails on Saturday?”

   “Dude, I am not wasting my Saturday helping you guys sell a fake relationship. Thanks but no thanks.” 

   “I’ll show your mom all those texts where you said you’re only hanging out with me for car insurance,” Jared gasped dramatically as Evan said that, “AND I’ll show her your screen name on Overwatch.” 

   “You wouldn’t dare! You’re scared to even talk to my mom!” 

   “I’m not too scared to email screenshots to her.” Jared was finally sobered. Evan watched the gears working as Jared realized that he wasn’t going to let this go. 

   “Fine. But seriously, why make the emails? You could just tell his parents the emails are private and that they’re none of their damn business. With the way Connor acts I bet they would buy it.”

   “I’m not exactly in a position to deny the one thing he’s asked of me since I got him into this. And refusing to show them the emails isn’t going to stop them from thinking he’s gay, it’s just going to make it worse.” 

   “It would convince Zoe though.” 

   “Jared, we need to convince all of them. Would you focus, please?”

   “Okay, just stop hyperventilating. We’ll do the thing,” Jared reached for a slice of pizza. At least he had only gotten half Hawaiian instead of forcing Evan to suffer. He had even ordered the pizza for Evan and made sure the other half was cheese. Sometimes Jared wasn’t a complete asshole. Sometimes.

   “You’re lucky he didn’t post your therapy letter. That shit would have gone viral,” Jared commented, biting into his pizza.

   “I’m lucky he didn’t actually kill himself,” Evan muttered. Jared didn’t seem to hear him as he chugged some Mountain Dew. 

   “I wonder why he’s going along with this. Doesn’t seem like Connor’s kind of thing. It would mess with his tough loner image. I’ll bet he’s going to get into twice as many fights once he’s out at school.” Evan hadn’t even considered that. He didn’t know if it would actually be worse for Connor. All the popular kids already assumed he was gay; all the unpopular kids were too afraid of him to really think about it. Evan had never thought about it except that one time in middle school. When Connor beat the shit out of a kid for calling him a fag. It was the first time he remembered Connor getting into a fight. That being said, he was surprised how strong Connor was since that other kid was on the wrestling team. Now that Evan thought about it, wasn’t Connor on the baseball team in middle school? 

 

_    Hey, are you worried about being out in school? _

_    I know you already get in fights but won’t it be worse?  _

 

   “Evan, did you ask him what he’s getting out of this? I mean he’s saving your ass by doing this. Zoe would think you’re a total creep and loser if it wasn’t for him.” 

   “N-no. I guess I didn’t really think about it.” 

 

_    Why do you care Hansen _

 

_    Because it would be my fault. _ Evan couldn’t believe he pressed send. But it was done and now he had to sit here anxiously and wait while Jared came up with theories as to why Connor would want to out himself to the whole school and lie to his entire family. 

   “Maybe he’s planning on extorting you for weed money. Or maybe he’s going to turn you into a drug dealer and make you give him drugs for free. Or maybe he’s going to pimp you out and then use the money-”

   “Jared, all of those ideas are stupid. The Murphy’s are loaded, he doesn’t need any money,” Evan sighed. It was true, he had seen their house. It was ridiculous. Zoe had said their dad was a lawyer and it almost made Evan want to go to law school. Except for the confrontation part. He wouldn’t be able to argue with someone confidently in a room full of people. That’s why he didn’t join debate club when Alana asked. Or any other club.

   “Yeah, like his parents are going to give him money when they know he uses drugs. Get real Evan, I’ve seen his mom. She seems like your average soccer-mom, part of the PTA. She probably cut him off completely.” Evan couldn’t argue with that. Cynthia did seem like that kind of mom, prim and proper. She seemed like an amazing mom, it was kind of incredible how far Connor had slipped. Evan couldn’t imagine having a mom that was home all the time, able to make a close relationship with her children. Well, at least one of them. Connor didn’t seem close to anyone in his family. It left a lump in Evan’s throat. 

   “You could try to get money out of him, now that I’m thinking about it.”

   “He wouldn’t give me money.” 

   “Evan, he has to be doing this for a reason. I would bet he would pay you money. Maybe he just wants some company,” Jared wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

   “Ew Jared, stop. He could just use Grindr for that.” 

   “It’s kind of sad that the closest thing either of you has had to a relationship is pretending to date for his family,” Jared started laughing again. 

 

_    It’s not your fault I’m gay Hansen _

 

_    Don’t try to take credit for my sexual awakening. _ Evan let out a little chuckle and Jared did notice this time. Shit.

   “Are you texting him? And laughing? Dude, he’s still Connor Murphy. There’s still a 95% chance that he’s going to beat you up on Saturday.” 

   “H-he doesn’t seem that bad.” 

   “Evan, this is  _ Connor Murphy _ we’re talking about here. He threw a printer in the  _ second grade _ . If that doesn’t scream ‘violent tendencies’ or ‘future serial-killer’ to you, then what the hell does?” Evan hated these kinds of conversations with Jared. He could not grasp mental illness at all. He was the kind of kid who watched serial-killer documentaries but acted like anyone with depression could turn into that with the drop of a hat. 

   “That was  _ second grade _ , Jared. Kids do stupid things. You ate a bath-bomb last year.”

   “How many times are you going to bring that up?” Jared sighed, “Okay, what about all the fights he gets into? That doesn’t scare the shit out of you, that he could just decide to beat you up at any moment? He pushed you because he thought you were  _ laughing _ at him.” 

   “Look, I only have to do this for a few months. Can you just be supportive for five minutes?”

   “Ugh, fine. But you’re buying me pizza on Saturday too.” 


	7. If you want your sister to talk about your tree-loving ex-boyfriend for the rest of your life, be my guest

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_We’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don’t talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each night. I rub my nipples and start moaning in delight~_

 

   “Why would you write that?”

   “I’m just trying to tell the truth!”

   “This needs to be perfect, these emails have to prove that we were actually friends. Just- I’ll do it,” Evan grabbed the laptop away from Jared.

   “Come on Murphy, back me up. That sounded pretty legit.”

   “Fuck off Kleinman. No one sexts through letter format. This isn’t the 1800’s.”

   “Hey, not my fault Evan decided you guys emailed. No one fucking emails anymore but here we are!” Jared looked over to see what Evan had written.

_I gotta tell you life without you has been hard-_

   “Hard?”

_Has been bad._

   “Bad?” Jared chuckled.

_Has been rough!_

   “Kinky!”

_And I miss talking about life and other stuff._

   “Very specific!”

   “Shut up!” Connor could tell Evan was getting frustrated. But him getting flustered was kind of amusing. And the fact that he had absolutely no idea what Connor sounded like at all.

_I like my parents_

   “Who says that?” Connor had to agree. He would never say that.

_I love my parents but each day’s another fight. If I stop smoking drugs than everything might be alright._

   “Smoking drugs?”

   “Just fix it!”

_If I stop smoking crack._

   “Crack?!” Evan exclaimed.

   “Alright, I’m going to take it from here. Neither of you have any idea what I sound like,” Connor almost let a chuckle out. But that would be encouraging to Kleinman, which would be the last thing he wanted. He found Evan’s reactions hilarious. If he was a character on tv, he would be Connor’s favorite. But Connor had to remind himself he wasn’t here to get close to Evan, he was here to get out of a huge fucking mess  _caused_ by Evan. So he slid the laptop over to himself.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Sucks that I haven’t seen you in awhile, I miss talking to you. I know you’re busy with your ranger job. I might go down this week and see if I can catch you even though I’m grounded. They took my fucking door again. Larry found my stash, so totally grounded. That’s why I haven’t seen you, not because I’m ignoring you. They took my phone and laptop too. And the car keys, but I bet Zoe will drive me. Scratch that, I’ll just take the bus since on the off chance she does drive me she’ll check all my pockets and my backpack. Fun sibling bonding right?_

 

_Tried to take your advice, the whole being more nice shit. Not working, everyone thinks I want something. Like my car keys back. I’ll keep trying I guess but I don’t know if it’s going to work. They all hate me so….._

 

_I’ll bring you a book about trees when I come by. I found a couple I know you’ll like._

 

_Hope your week wasn’t as shitty as mine._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

   Connor watched Evan carefully reading the email. He saw a blush creep up to his eyebrows. Connor was sure it was at the mention of his sister. Saying anything negative about her was probably frowned upon by Evan, but Connor knew if he just sprouted sunshine and rainbows about her she would know he was lying. Things had been shit between them during the summer. It had been the same for the last four years; screaming matches, silent treatments, repeat. If Connor couldn’t even tell that to Evan, there was no way they were dating; Zoe could always smell blood in the water.

 

   “Are we done yet?” Jared drawled. He looked like it was killing him to spend time with Evan. Evan tried his best not to cringe. They used to spend Saturdays together, even if it had been in early middle school. Sometimes he wondered what had changed so much because it hadn’t been him. He had hardly changed since then.

 

   “I can’t just give them one email. I want to show that I was like, a good friend you know?”

 

   “Oh my god!” Jared laughed. Evan took the laptop back from Connor gently like he was worried he would upset him.

 

   “Yeah, my sister isn’t going to buy one email without a reply. Larry won’t either. My mom will but that’s cuz she’s not the brightest,” Connor chuckled. His mom once told him she thought elbow macaroni was made of elbows until she was twelve. He had laughed off and on the whole day; every time he remembered it he would start wheezing again.

   “S-see Jared?” Evan sounded slightly more confident. Slightly.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks-_

 

   “No,” Jared commented. Connor wanted to hit him over the head. _Repeatedly._

_I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees!_

   “No,” Jared seemed exasperated by Evan’s mere existence. It pissed off Connor more for some reason. Weren’t they supposed to be friends?

_You’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise._

   “Absolutely not!” Jared chortled. Connor felt like that was a good word for Jared: chortle. Jared seemed to think everything was _hilarious._

   “Shut the fuck up Kleinman!” Connor was getting sick of his fucking shit. His annoying shit-eating grin. Jared rolled his eyes at him. It made Connor want to punch him all the more; at least Kleinman usually had the common sense to fear him. It seemed today he was confident that Evan would shield him from Connor’s wrath. Connor was pretty sure he was mistaken, Evan seemed like the kind of prey animal that fled, not the kind that stayed to fight.

   “Look, if he wants Zoe to think he’s even remotely cool, he cannot write shit about trees. No girl is turned on by some guys tree knowledge. Maybe you’re into that kind of thing Murphy, but you’re _not_ who he’s trying to impress.” Connor wanted to deck him. He wanted to kick the shit out of him since eighth grade when Kleinman _really_ decided to be a dick. Kleinman was so insignificant he could barely remember him before then.

   “Yeah, first of all, Zoe is never going to think he’s cool and it’s not because of the trees, it’s because she thinks he’s fucking me,” Connor sighed, noticing Evan stiffen considerably, “But if it _wasn’t_ for that she would be super into it. She would think he was sensitive or some shit. Let him write whatever the fuck he wants Kleinman. The more he talks about trees the more convincing he sounds.” Evan seemed to look grateful, but Connor couldn’t completely read his expression. He was sure Evan was disappointed that Zoe would never look at him the way he wanted her to, but he didn't feel sorry for him. Evan had done that to himself.

   “Alright, whatever. If you want your sister to talk about your tree-loving ex-boyfriend for the rest of your life, be my guest,” Jared huffed. Connor couldn’t even contain the well-earned smirk that could only be achieved by making Kleinman shut up.

 

_Dude, I’m proud of you, just keep pushing through. You’re turning around, I can see! Dr. Sherman says all that it takes is a little “reinvention”. I don’t know how true it is. My mom thought she could help me reinvent myself by buying me new shoes. And she was kind of right, except they’re Uggs so it won’t have the impact she intended… But this isn’t about me! I know you can do it! You’ve been really nice to me, so that’s a start! At least that’s what my mom would say, sorry if I’m rambling!_

_You could come down on Wednesday if you think you wouldn’t get in too much trouble. I’ve been working a lot of Wednesdays lately, though the other days have been constantly changing. And don’t be too hard on Zoe, I’m sure she’s just worried about you. I know your family will see what I see soon._

_Ps. You don’t have to bring me a book, but it would be appreciated!_

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

   Connor couldn’t help but think about how unique Evan sounded in his letter. And so genuine. If Connor didn’t know better he would think they had some kind of loving relationship. Either Evan was a good actor or he was just a really sweet person. There was no way Zoe would believe Evan would date someone like him. Not without some kind of motive. She was suspicious of it from the beginning and Connor couldn’t blame her. No one even wanted to be friends with Connor, let alone date him. And the kind of person that would date Connor? Not someone like Evan Hansen. It would be some kind of grizzled drug dealer that hit people. That would be what Zoe was imagining.

   “Can you two hurry up? I’m supposed to meet Tiffany at the mall later, I don’t want to be stuck here all day.”

   “Yeah, just a couple more and we should be good. Thanks again for helping Jared,” Evan mumbled. He slid the computer over to Connor, who looked at the screen with hesitation. He was supposed to be himself so it was believable. But that would be a problem; him dating Evan wasn’t ever going to be believable. He cracked his knuckles and Evan winced. He couldn’t do anything right, even with complete strangers. He tried to think of it like writing some romantic comedy: the sweet tree loving anxious kid falling in love with the scary loner bad boy with depression through emails after talking at the state park. How would he feel if he was falling in love with someone like that? He wasn’t sure he could say, but he had written enough in his lifetime to attempt it.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Thanks for the tree pics, they made my day. Well, they were the only thing I looked at today, so there’s that lol. My parents changed the Netflix password because I snuck out to see you. I don’t really give a shit though. It was good to see you, looks like you were starting to get a tan. Or a sunburn. Must be from working outside all day. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for a minor to work as many hours as you do._

_Hope you enjoyed reading it. I know you don’t have a ton of time this summer to sit down and read. Don’t worry about giving it back to me, I know you’re always worried about that stuff. You can just give it back whenever you’re done with it. I think you’ll really enjoy it, lots of trees. I learned a thing or two reading it, I might even impress you!_

_My family is never going to see me like you do. Because you’re crazy for hanging out with me. But I appreciate it. And I don’t want you to go away, I’m not saying that. Sorry, I’m bad at talking. Or typing._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

   Connor slid the computer back over to Evan and watched as he scanned the email. Evan read faster than him. That wasn’t all that surprising, Connor was a slow reader. At least he thought he was, compared to Zoe and Alana. God, did he really know that few people?

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Sorry I keep getting you in trouble. I shouldn’t have encouraged you. I mean, I’m glad I encourage you to be nicer and all the other stuff, just not the sneaking out! I get why you don’t tell them though. If I told my mom I had a friend she would make you come over for dinner and probably show you all my embarrassing baby photos. And you do not need to see those, Jared seeing them is more than enough!_

_I did read it! I really enjoyed it, especially all the parts about different species of maples! It was nice of you to think of me when you saw it, I know trees aren’t most people’s cup of tea. I’ll give it back to you next time I see you, though I don’t know when that will be. Do you want me to leave it at the ranger front desk for you? That way you’ll be able to get it back even if I’m not there. Then again that would mean I would have to talk to the lady at the front desk and I don’t know her very well so maybe not. I’ll probably just wait until I see you again, then we can talk about it some more._

_Don’t give up. It might take awhile, but your family will realize you’re really trying to get better. Just, promise me you won’t quit? I don’t know how I would do this without you, you know?_

 

_Ps. Don’t worry, you impress me often._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

   “Okay, send me all those emails or whatever. I gotta head out, Tiffany is not going to make out with herself,” Jared wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

   “She’s not going to make out with you either Kleinman,” Connor laughed.

   “Psh, that’s what you think! I’m the most experienced person in the room, I wouldn’t be talking if I were you. I’ll catch you later Evan, I’ll get this done tonight.”

   “O-okay, bye Jared!” Connor breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the front door close. Evan seemed to share the feeling as he shut the laptop. His shoulders relaxed, the tension in his face disappeared.

   “Why do you hang out with that fuck anyway?” Evan looked up at him with a sad expression.

   “I don’t know.” Connor wasn’t expecting that. He thought Evan might try to defend his friend, even if it was weakly.

   “Isn’t he your friend?”

   “Family friend.”

   “What the fuck?”

   “His parents are friends with my mom. He only hangs out with me so they’ll keep paying his car insurance.” Sounded like Kleinman. The glint of sadness in Evan’s eyes didn’t go unnoticed. Connor got a weird feeling that he instantly pushed back.

   “That’s the fucking saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”


	8. If you’re going to play therapists pet, you’d better show me how it’s done.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can pry a loving Murphy sibling relationship out of my cold dead hands. They're not all the way there yet, but they're getting there. Zoe's a badass and I love her, fight me. I feel like everyone acts like she and Connor must be nothing alike and I'm like nah. She probably daydreams about punching kids and secretly lives for seeing Connor do that shit. I highkey love the idea of them being super close. 
> 
> Thanks for all the support everyone. The comments are keeping me going, they make my day. Also, shoutout to my peeps who also dislike Jared lol makes me feel better!
> 
> Next chapter is going to be about Connor and Evan at school.

A soft rapping sound on his doorframe startled him. If he hadn’t just finished _Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda_ he wouldn’t have even heard it. Zoe had started knocking on his door frame before she bothered him. She didn’t want to surprise him. He scoffed at it because what exactly could he do with no door? His parents put a timer on whenever he went into the bathroom for crying out loud. She was probably still worried about him screaming at her. Sometimes he thought about screaming at her, but she was trying. And not the half-assed trying that their parents always did.

 

“Are you decent, can I come in?”

 

“Knock yourself out.” He almost laughed. He knew that was a joke since he couldn’t exactly change in his own room for the time being. She lingered by the door frame, arms crossed in front of her chest. She had a weak smile, but her eyes gave her away. She was nervous; Connor couldn’t blame her. He motioned to the chair by his desk; he didn’t expect her to sit on the bed with him. And she didn’t sit with him. She took up his offer and sat in the chair. It had been a long time since she had been in his room. Maybe over a year? Their mom didn’t even ask Zoe to wake him up anymore. Sometimes it made Connor sad how limited their interactions had become. But only sometimes.

 _Thanks. My parents were pretty happy with the emails._ Connor texted Evan and set his phone down, waiting for Zoe to say something. It shouldn’t be his job to fill the silence, he didn’t barge into her door-less room. He didn’t know what to talk to her about regardless. She was in jazz band right? And she was on the student council, Alana mentioned it. He knew very little about either and he wasn’t about to pretend that he did.

“Evan seems really good for you.” Her weak smile gained some strength, but not quite enough. Good God, what was it about Evan Hansen that made his family react like that? It was like a kitten sneezing, even if you were in the presence of someone as horrible as Connor Murphy you couldn’t help but smile. But Connor was sad enough to take it, to take anything his family threw at him, even if it was Evan Hansen’s scraps.

“Yeah, he’s a good guy.” Except for all the lying. Well, Connor supposed that would depend on who you asked. If you asked a Catholic they would run through the streets screaming how Evan Hansen was cohorting with Satan. If you asked Connor Murphy he would say the lying was inconvenient, but not the most immoral thing he had seen that week. Certainly not the worst thing he had seen in his life either. There are some web pages that can never be unseen.

“Are you sure about going back to school tomorrow?” Why did she look genuinely concerned? She was probably worried about all the trouble Evan was going to get, not him. It was never about him.

“Might as well rip that band-aid off.” Connor would kill for a cigarette, but Zoe would start yelling at him about how bad it was for him. Like he didn’t already know. But he knew she would tell their mom, so he would wait.

“Are you sure about… being out? At school?” She sounded concerned again. What the hell was going on in this house?

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Connor sighed. He wanted to pretend he didn’t hear his mother calling them down for dinner. All he wanted was one more night of peace before his life became infinitely more complicated. Zoe gave him that look, the look she always gave whenever it was dinner time. The look conveyed the intense suffering of sitting with their family and eating horribly unseasoned vegan food, all while trying to pretend their family wasn’t falling apart at the seams. They heard Cynthia call again.

“We should probably go,” Zoe admitted, standing up. She waited for him; it felt like they were little all over again. For a moment he could have sworn he was in his Spiderman pajamas; she was waiting for him to go downstairs with her so they could have a Harry Potter marathon. But she didn’t look at him like she did then. He got up and followed her out of the room and down the stairs, checking his phone.

_Good, I’m glad! Do you think we fooled Zoe?_

 

 _Yeah._ He looked up once he got to the table. The only seat left was next to Zoe. She switched seats with their mom. It felt weird. At least he didn’t ever have to sit anywhere near Larry. They learned the hard way that it was a surefire way to get the entire table engaged in an instant screaming match. The only problem was that Larry was across from him no matter what he did. Larry would say something that would piss him off and they would probably fight tonight. It was Sunday after all, no better way for his family to spend a “holy day” than to scream.

His mom was the only one not seated. She was bringing in the last of the food. It didn’t smell terrible, but that made Connor even more suspicious. But Zoe had armed their side of the table with the salt and pepper just in case. But Connor wouldn’t put anything on his plate until he surveyed the situation. If he and Larry were just going to fight there was no point; he would rather starve than give his father the satisfaction of catching him off guard with a piece of cauliflower in his mouth.

He waited as his mom sat down; his family grabbed food and he put some on his plate cautiously. His parents were making small talk; talking about work and Zoe’s band rehearsals. It was only a matter of time before they got to him. He was usually the first thing they talked about, sometimes sandwiched in the middle. The problem child is always the first thing on their minds, though coming up with real solutions was not. Connor just wanted them to get on with it so he could go back to his room.

“Connor, honey, are you sure you want to go back to school tomorrow? You could take a couple more days off. I’m sure the doctors would agree, it could be good for you!” His mom was trying to sound upbeat. Connor knew Larry would get on his case if he agreed with his mother. He didn’t want to put it off, he just wanted to punch some kids faces, get detention, and move on after a couple weeks.

“I just want to get it over with.”

“It’s better he doesn’t get even further behind, Cynthia.” Larry was never going to let him failing math freshman year go.

“He should be fine, Alana emailed him the work,” Zoe commented, reaching for the salt.

“Who’s Alana?” His mom looked hopeful.

“She’s just a classmate mom. We have the same schedule this semester.” His mom looked deflated and he felt a little sorry for her.

“She’s on the student council with me. She’s going to be valedictorian of Connor’s class.”

“Maybe he should have started partnering with her in classes a few years ago, then he would be salutatorian.”

“Or maybe you should just adopt her so you can have a kid that’s valedictorian. Easier than trying to make me something I’m not, right Larry?” Connor groundout. And his mom wondered why he was so skinny.

“I think your father just wishes you would apply yourself. You’re very intelligent Connor.”

“What your mother said.”

“Well, Alana said he’s the best partner she’s ever had on projects. That’s why they’ve been partners in English class since the seventh grade. Maybe Alana owes Connor part of her success,” Zoe spit. Holy shit. Zoe was the one looking for a fight tonight. Connor’s fork clattered onto the table and his mouth dropped open. Why was Zoe defending him? Why was she being so badass?

“If only Connor was as dependable in his other subjects,” Larry retorted.

“You can’t let him have _anything_ can you?”

“Zoe, your father is only-”

“Just don’t mom.”

“I’m going to my room, you all deserve to enjoy dinner. I’m obviously ruining it with my presence and my huge failures as a human being, so I’m going to leave you to it,” Connor shot Zoe a grateful look. He wouldn’t forget this. But he turned to go upstairs nonetheless.

“No, Connor you don’t have to go,” Zoe called after him, “See what you did?”

 

There was another soft knocking on his doorframe. It was nearly ten and Connor had taken to his notebook for hours. If Larry was anything positive, it was an inspiration to let all the negative thoughts flow through his hand onto paper. Zoe came in and sat down on the edge of his bed. Connor didn’t look up, it was hard to get going again if he stopped before he was ready. He knew he couldn’t leave her waiting forever. She was his personal hero for the week; the least he could do was see what she wanted.

“So, I ordered you a pizza. You should eat it…. I know you don’t like cold pizza.”

“Why are you doing this?” He put his notebook down.

“I told you why,” she looked over her shoulder at him with hope-filled eyes, “I should have been doing that for a long time now. Standing up to Dad I mean.”

“I didn’t really give you a reason to.”

“I shouldn’t need a reason.” She handed him the box.

“Is this real cheese?” He looked at her hopefully.

“You have no idea what I had to do to sneak that in for you,” she said, suddenly serious. But then she giggled, “Just kidding, Mom let me. She felt bad Dad chased you off before you had any dinner.” Connor shoved half a piece of pizza into his mouth. She got him a white pizza. He could have created a shrine to her.

“I want to start a tradition. I know it’s going to sound dumb, but Evan kind of gave me this idea,” she started fidgeting almost like Evan, completely embarrassed, “I think… I think once a day we should say something we like about each other. No matter how mad we are at each other, even if we scream it.” There was the hopeful look in her eyes again.

“Ugh, Zoe, seriously?”

“Connor, please?”

“Alright, fine. But I’m not going first. If you’re going to play therapists pet, you’d better show me how it’s done.” She laid down on his bed and closed her eyes while deep in thought.

“Okay, I like how even in the cafeteria you can just _read_. In a room full of people you can just read like nothing else matters. If I want to get your attention I have to shake you. You just get so lost in it, even if you hate the book. I remember at Christmas I had to scream to get you to look up from Hemingway. It’s super cool.” He hadn’t expected that to feel so nice. Was he that desperate for positive attention? Probably.

“It’s your turn.” She opened her eyes and looked up at him expectantly.

“Every Wednesday night you come home from jazz band. You’ve been practicing for hours, but after dinner you go back to your room and play saxophone until Larry asks you to stop at around ten. It’s relaxing, especially around holiday concert time.”

“What about that time you yelled at me to stop?”

“I was wicked high. Sorry.” She smiled at him. Why did it feel so weird?

“If… if anyone gives you a hard time tomorrow, I want you to know I’m in your corner.”

“Thanks, Zo,” he looked away from her. It had been so long since she had been there, really been there. He wished he could tell her that it meant the world to him. But he didn’t.


	9. “We’re going! Can’t you see how fast we’re going, Zoe?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your comments give me life everyone <3
> 
> It's so hard for me to get everything into one chapter, so their first day at school together will continue in the next chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Last chance Hansen.” Connor shoved his hands in his pockets. They had decided to meet in the parking lot; they would have ten minutes before they really needed to get moving. Zoe always arrived at school early to deposit her instruments in the lockers in the music room. Connor figured it would give Evan one last chance to back out, one last chance to cling to his old life. They could just pretend for his sister and not look back, fake break up in a few months. Hell, they could even break up that afternoon.

“N-no, I’m ready.”

“Are you _sure_?” Connor knew Evan was bullied. Well, mostly by Kleinman. Evan was the kind of kid that could blend into the wallpaper. He could scrape by, avoiding bullies by being completely boring and uninteresting to them. Bullies didn’t usually think it was fun to get little to no reaction. That’s why Connor was prime real estate; he couldn’t stop himself from exploding. But he knew that Evan could just survive his senior year the way he always had. He could come out in college and be safer.

“I-I promise I’m sure.” There were several problems with that statement for Connor. Evan was always nervous and never seemed sure of _anything_ to him. He didn’t know him very well but it was very difficult to tell when he actually was comfortable with something because of it. The other problem was that Evan lied constantly to placate other people. If a situation was even the slightest bit awkward he would start lying. So if Evan was okay with this, Connor couldn’t say. But he couldn’t stand there asking him for ten minutes, Zoe would start looking for him. He had a sneaking suspicion their mom had asked her to check on him.

The plan was pretty simple; Connor would walk Evan to and from classes, to his locker, eat with him at lunch. This would minimize the risk of bullies cornering Evan; the bullies would never admit they were afraid of Connor. He was a loose cannon who was never afraid to get in trouble. If Connor couldn’t get to Evan in time between classes, both Zoe and Jared were on the lookout. Connor would have asked Alana as well, but she had the same schedule as him. If he was across the building so was she.

As they made their way into the building, Evan pulled on Connor’s sleeve once. Evan had come up with a good system: pull once for hand-holding, twice for hugging or wrapping around a shoulder. Pull once hard for kissing. Connor had decided Evan should always initiate; Connor always wore long sleeves and Evan wore tee-shirts for the most part. Connor wasn’t a nervous wreck; he wasn’t used to being touched anymore, but he figured it was nothing he couldn’t handle. Evan, on the other hand, didn’t look like he would do well being taken off guard. If Connor blew on him wrong he would fall over.

Connor slid his hand into Evan’s. It was mad sweaty. And warm. Connor tried to think of the last time he had held someone’s hand. He was eleven, he had taught Zoe to ride her bike without training wheels because Larry was too busy. She had skinned her knee and he gave her a piggyback ride to their mom. He held her hand as she got all patched up. It felt a little pathetic that the last time he held hands with someone it had been his sister. Six years ago. Almost seven years ago. He secretly hoped Evan was in the same boat.

They started getting looks the moment they walked down the halls. The group of school gossips mouths dangled open, only for them to grab their phones in a panic and start texting vigorously. Connor shot daggers into the jocks gawking at them and most of them quickly looked away. Evan squeezed tighter and looked up at him. His face was bright red but his breath was steady. Connor had been watching out for symptoms of panic attacks; luckily they could get Evan sent home in a heartbeat if he had one. They just had to get to Evan’s locker. Then they would go to environmental science together.

Evan’s hand started shaking when he tried to put the combination in his locker. Connor leaned patiently against the lockers. Teachers were eyeing him wearily, ready to step in at any moment. Connor wanted to flip them off; he wasn’t a bully. He got in fights often, sure. But he never went out of his way to torment kids. Evan kept messing up the combination, huffing in frustration.

“Babe, what’s your combination? Let me help,” Connor gave Evan a grin. Evan turned bright red and muttered the combination. Connor whipped the lock around and opened it. Evan gave him a grateful look before opening his backpack. Connor suddenly remembered Evan’s arm was broken; he took Evan’s bag and held it open. Evan became flustered but shoved some books into the bag. Connor felt like an idiot for not remembering the huge cast with his name in huge letters.

“How are my favorite lovebirds today?” Evan jumped nearly ten feet. Jared peaked around the locker door, an obnoxious smirk spreading across his face.

“We were doing a lot better a couple seconds ago,” Connor deadpanned. Evan shut his locker and took his backpack from Connor.

“H-hey Jared,” Evan muttered.

“You two have been in school for less than five minutes and you’re already front page news! You two should be honored, truly!”

“W-what are you talking about Jared?” Evan could tell Connor was getting antsy. Their class was across the building. Well, it was more likely he didn’t want to speak to Jared for longer than necessary. Or he didn’t want to be seen with Evan. That was plausible; Evan was probably ruining his image. Uggs did not look good next to combat boots. Polos did not match weathered jean jackets.

“It’s not every day someone gets featured on Anne Meissner’s Instagram, is all I’m saying. You two should feel honored, the picture even somehow fits her aesthetic.” Connor could see Evan pale. Anne Meissner was the premier gossip of their school; if something was going on in school and she didn’t know about it there would be hell to pay. Connor knew they could expect her to come with her pack of Prada knockoffs and try to “interview” them. Her interrogations were prying questions that usually ended up on the internet. She had a blog where she kept all the dirt in school. Connor didn’t know why he didn’t remember her earlier. Though the most she posted about him was pictures of him beating the snot out of kids on her blog with captions about him being in a gang. Connor could handle her easily. Evan? He wasn’t sure he had ever run into Anne Meissner in his life.

“Connor, you better get going. If you're late, Mom will be pissed,” Zoe had run up behind him, causing Evan to jump again.

“We’re going! Can’t you see how _fast_ we’re going, Zoe?”

“I know you don’t give a shit Connor, but you _can’t_ make Evan late,” Zoe commented gently. Connor let out a loud sigh before turning in the direction of their class. The last thing he needed was Zoe playing jailor all day. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere; they had taken his car keys and even threatened to sell it. He had no choice but to stay at school unless he wanted to walk twelve miles home.

“B-bye Jared, b-bye Z-Zoe. We’ll see you later!” Evan scurried after Connor. Everyone was still staring at them, he could feel it. He looked up at Connor who looked so collected. Like none of this phased him. One tug and Connor’s hand was out of his pocket and back in his. It almost felt like moral support.

“D-do you think we have to worry about her? Anne I mean,” Evan’s hand was shaking. He never had a real encounter with Anne since middle school. Evan had been able to avoid her. He hated to admit he looked at her blog every now and again. It was mostly to make sure she didn’t document his panic attacks and broadcast them to the whole school. Not that he could have done anything if she had, he just liked to make sure.

“She’s harmless. She thinks she has the power to ruin social lives and maybe she does. Lucky for us we don’t have one.”

“T-that’s true.” Evan still looked nervous. It never failed to make Connor feel bad.

“She's just going to ask us questions at lunch. I would say we could avoid her, but she’ll get to us eventually. Best to get it over with. Just let me take care of her. I get her the most views anyways.” Evan couldn’t argue with that.

Alana was already in her seat when they arrived. Connor thought it would be best to sit near Evan. He didn’t want to completely ruin Evan’s routine. Connor knew how much it fucked with his own anxiety if he changed it up too much. Maybe that’s why being at school today was messing with him. Normally he would just email all the teachers, have Alana grab copies of the work. Come back right before the bell rang, get all the copies from Alana, catch a ride home with Zoe. Contrary to what most people thought he didn’t leave school all that often, he just hid in the library. He knew what happened if he left school; his mother would call the fucking police. When he did ditch school Alana covered for him. He wasn’t sure why since she didn’t consider him a friend.

“Oh my god, are you two together?” Alana squealed. Connor threw his messenger bag down next to the desk before slumping into the chair.

“Yeah,” Connor confirmed. Alana’s smile grew even larger. Evan sat down behind her.

“Congratulations! You guys are so cute together! I was starting to think there weren’t any other gay kids at this school!” Connor had not been expecting that. Though he supposed he surrounded himself with other people like him without even realizing. Not that he hung out with very many people.

“Evan’s bi, but yeah. I’m gay.”

“Me too Evan, no way! We should start a GSA! I bet other kids would be more comfortable if we did!” Connor should have known Alana would do this. She was crazy about after-school activities. The last thing he wanted to do was spend more time than necessary in this godforsaken building.

“Y-yeah that sounds like a good idea Alana.” Connor could have screamed. Instead, he just slumped over onto the desk, hoping he could sleep for even a moment. Or at least ignore them both.

“Awesome! I could email you and Connor, we could get some ideas! I wonder if Zoe would want to help. We could pick a day she doesn’t have jazz band for meetings!”

“I b-bet she would go. She was really excited when I told her Connor and I are dating.”

“I’ll email her too then! I wonder if Jared would help out. He could be our computer guy!” Alana was way too excited about this. Connor could have even tolerated it if she hadn’t brought Kleinman into it. But he just laid there with his head down, pretending to be asleep. And he kept at it even when the teacher walked in.


	10. Everything is my business, Murphy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU IMAGINED EVAN IN WINTER UGGS YOU WERE FUCKING RIGHT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE OTHER SHOES SO EVAN IS WEARING WINTER UGGS LOLOLOL
> 
> Also, fucking Anne. She's going to be recurring. Partially based on my own high school experience. 
> 
> Also I guess the first day is going to be like three chapters holy fuck. 
> 
> Also two chapters in one day??? I'm on fire. Thanks for the comments everyone, they give me life!!
> 
> Enjoy!!

Lunch always sucked. Nothing annoyed Connor more than being surrounded by sixty plus teenagers yelling. Some of them ran around, trying to play touch football in the already crowded lunchroom. He and Evan stood in line for what felt like forever to get food. Despite what his family thought, Connor _loved_ to eat. It was probably the best reason to be alive. Even if it was shitty cafeteria food, he _still_ got excited. And after dropping Evan off at calculus, running downstairs to AP English, then running back up to get Evan again, he was starving.

“Babe, you have to eat more than that,” Connor looked at the pitiful spread Evan had. One slice of pizza and a water. _What the actual fuck._ Connor couldn’t imagine eating that little.

“I-I know but it’s hard…” Evan whispered. The anxiety must have made it hard for Evan to eat. Connor suddenly had an epiphany: ordering food or checking out must be crazy difficult for Evan. Evan’s eyes were darting all over the cafeteria like he couldn’t even focus on picking food for himself. Connor grabbed another four slices of pizza, four bananas, and some cookies before grabbing three tiny cartons of milk. He then grabbed all of Evan’s food from his hands and marched up to one of the lunch ladies before Evan could stop him.

“Y-you didn’t have to do that! Let me pay you back….”

“Hansen, my mom put like $700 worth of lunch credits on my account. I have to figure out how to use it all by the end of this year, cuz they won’t refund that shit. You’re not paying me back.”

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything, sorry.”

“I’m not offended. And you don’t have to apologize so much. Except for that, that you should apologize for,” Connor pointed to Jared waving them down to a table. There wasn’t anyone else there; Connor vaguely recalled Jared hanging out with the debate team during lunch. He wasn’t part of the debate team, they were just the only ones who could tolerate him.

“Hey Jared,” Evan smiled weakly. Connor handed him two slices of pizza, a banana, two cookies, and his water. Evan couldn’t believe Connor could eat so much food, but he started eating like it was the end of the world. Evan couldn’t really understand how someone could drink all that milk, especially after eating that much cheese.

“Evan, Connor! You made it! Please tell me you bombed that calculus quiz so I can feel better about myself.”

“J-Jared you got a 93.”

“Yeah, but if you got a lower score it would make me _so_ happy.” Connor was not in the mood for Kleinman’s shit. The only thing that made this even remotely bearable was the cookies he had shoved in his mouth.

“I-I got a 71, so, yeah…” Evan trailed off. Evan looked disappointed in himself.

“Don’t worry babe, I’m terrible at math too. If I had taken calculus I would have jumped off a bridge,” Connor chuckled. Larry had suggested he take it for college and Connor had outright laughed at him. “You could probably ask Alana for some help. I’m sure she would jump at the chance.”

“I already tried, she doesn’t have room for any more peer tutoring,” Evan looked down at his last cookie. It had taken a lot for him to ask her in the first place.

“You could ask Zoe. She’s taking calculus this semester.”

“Um, hello? I’m right here! I could help Evan?!” Jared looked genuinely offended.

“Didn’t think you would offer, Kleinman. Wouldn’t want to take up your _precious_ time,” Connor scoffed. He didn’t really believe Jared wanted to help Evan, he just wanted to be the center of attention. Evan doubted he wanted to help too.

“I don’t do anything on Mondays anyway. My World of Warcraft group moved our night to Tuesday, so I’m free if you want me to help you out, Ev.” _Of course, he played World of Warcraft._

“S-sure that could work.” Probably needed to ensure his car insurance. Evan would rather stutter in front of Zoe for a few hours, but he couldn’t ask her even if he wanted to. He would probably pass out if he tried.

“Hey boys!” Anne Meissner had walked up to their table. Connor didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed. Evan started coughing on his cookie. Connor instinctively pats his back; he hoped he could remember the Heimlich. On either side of her were two girls Connor vaguely recognized, Nicky and Marissa? They were frantically typing on their phones. Connor knew this was going to end up on the blog. He cringed at what the caption might be.

“Hey, Anne, what’s up?” Jared gave her a gap-toothed grin. She visibly recoiled.

“I was talking to _Connor and Evan_.” At least Anne always got to the point. That was the only thing Connor appreciated about her, she didn’t waste any time.

“What do you need Meissner?” Two tugs. Connor wrapped his arm around Evan’s shoulder and stared her down. Even seated he was almost as tall as her.

“I just wanted to ask you guys a few questions! For my blog about school! You’ve probably read it,” her voice was sickly sweet, overly innocent.

“We don’t read gossip blogs.” Connor was hoping if he stayed intimidating she would back off. It was unlikely, but she might tire of his evasiveness.

“Well, you should! There are lots of stories about you on there. I’m sure it would be some fun reading for you _both_ ,” she eyed Evan like a predator. Connor supposed Evan was a prey animal. But she shouldn’t wander into the wolves den. Everyone knew just how bad his bite could be. Connor was pretty sure he had shown her boyfriend’s face once. Or twice.

“Let’s get this over with, I’d like to enjoy the rest of my lunch.” Anne gave him a large smile like she was thrilled she got her way.

“Perfect! You won’t regret this,” she smirked. Connor knew he _would_ regret this. “When did you two get together? I don’t think I’ve seen you two together before last week.”

“A month ago next week,” Connor drawled. Evan was starting to shake, his eyes darting around everywhere. Connor pulled him closer, rubbing his shoulder.

“Adorable! When did you know you wanted to date each other?”

“This summer. We got better acquainted at the state park, Evan worked there. How much longer is this going to be?”

“Just a couple more! You two aren’t my only news for the day after all. When did you realize you were gay?” _Here it fucking was._

“Evan is bi. And it’s not your business.”

“ _Everything_ is my business, Murphy. Are you two going to homecoming?”

“We haven’t talked about it yet,” Connor groundout. The bell rang, lunch was over. Evan grabbed his hand as they stood up. “Thanks for wasting our lunch though.”

“We’ll talk again soon. I didn’t get to hear anything from Evan!” Anne winked before scurrying away, probably to put another pound of blush on.

“Are you okay?” Connor looked at Evan as they walked down the hall. Connor was dropping him off at AP Bio before he ran down the hall to poetry. Evan was breathing heavily and zoning out.

“Y-yeah. Sorry, I’m just not used to the attention. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Let me know if she bothers you, I can kick her boyfriend’s ass again.”

“J-Jason? D-don’t do that, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“I’m bound to get in trouble any day now. Trouble always finds me anyway Hansen,” Connor walked him into his class and waited for him to sit down. Ms. Ellery was one of the only teachers who didn’t care if he was late; she never wrote him up. Lucky for him he had three of his four classes with her this semester. “Let me know if anyone bothers you. Text me _immediately_.”

“O-okay, I promise.” Evan nodded and gave a little wave as Connor left. Connor waved back as he made his way out of the room. He pulled his phone out his pocket. _God, I’m sinking to a new fucking low_. He pulled up Anne Meissner’s blog on his phone. There wasn’t anything yet; he would have to check back later. He opened Instagram and pulled up her account. There was a photo of Connor and Evan holding hands. Evan was looking up at him like he was the sun, his face bright red. Connor had a small smile on his face. It was a nice picture, Connor wouldn’t deny it. Then he saw it. _Two thousand likes._ Since that _morning_.

_New power couple! #cute #gay_

 

Now Connor was genuinely confused. Anne was one of those girls that would make Regina George from Mean Girls scared. If you spliced the DNA from Regina George, Heather Chandler, and Heather Duke you would get Anne Meissner. She was a walking antagonist from a teen movie. Sophomore year she had created a Facebook account dedicated to saying vile things about _everyone_ in school. She had been livid when it had gotten reported and taken down. The cops had investigated it but were too lazy to do anything about it. Everyone knew who had done it, but there were few kids willing to accuse Anne.

He saved the picture anyway. It would look more convincing if he had it on his lock screen. Zoe occasionally used his phone when hers died. Plus his hair looked _amazing_ in the picture, it would be a waste not to keep it. Anne might delete it once he broke up with Evan and the treasure of his hair sitting perfectly on his shoulders would be lost forever. Plus it was a good souvenir. He could show it to Zoe’s kids and tell them about how he fake dated a kid in high school. If he made it that long, which was unlikely. But he would have it if he did make it.

“Connor! I’m so glad to see you back in school! It got your assignments in my email, can I talk to you about them after class?” Ms. Ellery was all smiles. She was a friendly young teacher. She was a short woman, Connor towered over her. She wore a bright hijab that day. Connor always noticed. He would never tell her but he watched out for people saying racist shit. He had gotten into a couple fights over her. She was his favorite teacher hands down.

“Sure thing Ms. Ellery. Did I do them alright? Some of Alana’s directions were confusing as hell.”

“They were lovely Connor! Don’t worry, it’s all good news! Why don’t you have a seat?” Connor took his seat next to Alana. Ms. Ellery launched into the topic for the day. They were going to be peer editing. That was the last thing Connor wanted. He had a hard enough time showing his teachers his poetry. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Alana. She had an eye for it. When he wrote it was personal. He didn’t want to show it to anyone. It had taken Ms. Ellery until last year to get to him. And his poems weren’t really meant to be read per say. When he imagined them he thought spoken word would be best. Maybe add a little music to them, who knows. But he was _not_ going to sit there and act it out for anyone. _God, this was going to be a long day._


	11. Also that you have the most flannel I’ve ever seen a single person own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This took me way too long to write holy shit. I was diagnosed with PTSD and an eating disorder recently, so I'm probably going to give them some of my symptoms because I can lol.
> 
> I was going to take Zoe and Connor making up more slowly but screw that, I'm taking the romance slower than a snail going uphill, so if I want sibling bonding now I'm gonna do it. I feel like Connor really values what she says. They're not all the way there but they're making tons of progress. 
> 
> Thanks for the comments guys, they're keeping me going. I also have a tumblr for this story thisismejustpretendingtoknow 
> 
> Enjoy some angst and sibling bonding!

Connor was pissed off. It wasn’t anything new but it was the first time since he came back from the hospital that he was _seething_ . He _trusted_ Ms. Ellery. Her lying to him made all that disappear. And fucking _Alana_ . What the _fuck_ was she trying to pull? He had _almost_ considered her a friend. He didn’t need her _fake_ flattery and he didn’t need her eavesdropping on his conversation with Ms. Ellery. No one would _willingly_ want to read something written by a seventeen-year-old stoner, except for other seventeen-year-old stoners. The worst part was that they were pitying him; poor suicidal Connor Murphy needs someone to boost his self-confidence right? They could go fuck themselves, both of them.

The second worst part was that Connor was so pissed he almost forgot to get Evan. He was ready to storm down to the library and forget the whole fucking thing. Then he remembered Evan and his pathetic puppy eyes. He thought about jocks cornering him and beating him up. He couldn’t just leave him, even angry as he was. So he stomped down the hall to Evan’s class. Just one more class to go before he could go home. Or not. Maybe he’d take his last little bit of weed and go smoke it at the park.

The third worst part of this was when Connor finally got to Evan’s classroom, Anne _fucking_ Meissner was talking to him. She could not leave well enough alone. After Connor had gotten back from rehab she had followed him all over the school. She never got him to crack, she got _Zoe_ to crack. The only reason he didn’t hate Zoe for it is that she came home crying after. Zoe actually had _friends_ and a social life to worry about. Connor never liked Anne, not even when they were kids so this was just adding to his anger level. He shouldn’t have gone to school, he should have taken his mother up on her offer. He probably could have missed half of the semester; she would have let him. Anything to keep him from killing himself.

Evan just sat there petrified. _When is Connor going to get here? It would look weird if I pulled out my phone, I’m going to be late to class. Then I’m going to get detention, then they’re going to call my mom, then she’s going to disown me._ He had sat there while Anne asked him intensely personal questions about his _relationship_. Questions he didn’t think anyone would ask a straight couple. Maybe Anne did ask straight couples the same thing though; she didn’t seem to have a good grasp of boundaries. She kept touching his arm and it made him uncomfortable. Evan could have cried when he saw Connor storm into the room. He had never been so happy to see Connor Murphy in a rage.

“Evan, you’re going to be late.” Connor completely ignored Anne. It was like she wasn’t even there as he grabbed Evan’s backpack and took Evan’s hand, pulling him out of his chair.

“Well, hello to you too, Connor,” Anne smirked. Evan couldn’t think of a single person who wasn’t terrified to get under Connor’s skin. Jared pretended that he wasn’t but he was. Anne acted like he was all bark no bite.

“If you know what’s good for you, you won’t fucking talk to me.” _Shit. Shit shit shit shit._ Evan started pulling Connor towards the door frantically.

“Please, you’ve never hit a girl before.”

“You know what they say, there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“Come on Connor, we’re going to be late,” Evan pleaded.

 

“Are you okay?” Evan whispered as soon as they were in the hallway. He hoped Connor didn’t notice how sweaty his hand was. Anne had rattled him; he had tried his best to stay calm but everything about her was intimidating. Evan felt pathetic being scared of a girl who was five feet tall, especially when Evan had seen Connor get into fights with six-foot linebackers.

“Just fucking peachy Hansen.” _Don’t snap at him, he didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he did but not today._ “I thought I told you to text me.”

“S-sorry, she was just being _a lot._ I thought if I took out my phone she might try to snap me in half.”

“You know she’s only five feet tall right?” Connor chuckled. He was still pissed, but there was something about Evan that was endearing.

“Y-yeah….” Evan blushed.

“What’s your last class anyway?” Connor had never seen someone go to the science lab so much in one day. Well, Zoe had last semester, but it was because she wanted to get as many science classes as possible out of the way. Connor had done something similar in the summer, but with math. He was at least halfway decent with science.

“Z-zoology. It’s pretty fun. You have Mythology right?” Connor was surprised Evan remembered. But he did know Alana, she might have told him her schedule a thousand times. And told him she had the same schedule as Connor once she found out they were “dating”.

“Yeah, kill me.”  He normally wouldn’t have cared; he liked Ms. Ellery. Well, the feeling was past tense but still. He liked the readings for it. But he didn’t want to see her for another hour and a half. She would ask him questions about the reading and even though he did the work he just wanted to tell her to go fuck herself. And he had to sit next to that traitor Alana.

“Y-you can talk to me you know. I mean not right now, but later if you want? I mean, I’m the last person you want to talk to. But I won’t judge you or anything! So you can text me if you want to talk about it….” Evan felt like he was repeating himself endlessly.

“Thanks for the offer Hansen, but I’ll probably pass. Good fucking luck with class, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” Evan whispered. He had almost forgotten Jared was giving him a ride home. Why was Jared giving him a ride home? It wasn’t Thursday. _Oh, right he’s helping me with calculus._ Connor couldn’t give him a ride yet anyways so it was either walking or asking Zoe to give them both a ride. Which was the last thing either of them wanted, so for once Evan was grateful for Jared.

 

Connor didn’t know why he was doing this. Weed only made him feel better 50% of the time. The rest of the time it just made him paranoid. He was really rolling the dice here, on multiple things. He was placing his faith in his mom not calling the police, he was gambling on whether Zoe would figure it out and tell on him. And now he was making an even bigger gamble: he was going to text Evan Hansen. _Why_ he couldn’t say. He didn’t really believe it when the other boy said he wouldn’t judge him. For all, he knew he was going to screenshot the messages and put them on Anne Meissner’s blog. Well, he wasn’t sure Evan had the balls to do _that._ But he might show Kleinman for shits and giggles. And Kleinman would think it was _hilarious_ to put it on her blog.

 

_Hey._ Connor popped his headphones in and took another hit. He didn’t really expect Evan to answer right away. Or answer at all if he was being honest with himself.

 

_Hey!_

 

_Well shit._ That was much faster than Connor had anticipated. Wasn’t Evan supposed to be with Kleinman? Connor pulled his hood over his head and sank further down against the tree. The park was pretty empty; most parents didn’t bring their kids to the small dilapidated park anymore. Everything was rusty or wooden, not ideal. It was perfect for someone who wanted some alone time though.

 

_Having fun with Kleinman?_ Connor didn’t know why he was beating around the bush. He couldn’t imagine anyone having fun with that fucker.

 

_No, functions make no sense. I hate math! :(_

 

_Same tbh._  

_I don’t want to pry or anything but… is everything ok? You seemed upset earlier…_

 

Connor hesitated in responding. Evan didn’t _really_ care. Evan was doing this because he felt bad about lying because he felt bad about fucking up Connor’s life. Or worse, he felt like Connor could be his charity case. Connor wasn’t quite sure what to make of this kid; he didn’t _seem_ like the type to go out of his way to make people feel better. Especially people he barely knew and was definitely afraid of. But he texted a basic explanation of what was going on. He doubted Evan would text back, it would probably freak him out, all this feelings shit.

 

“Connor Patrick Murphy!” Zoe came sprinting over. She had driven her SUV to the park, which made no sense. They lived literally less than two blocks from it, she could have walked. Connor wasn’t looking forward to being screamed at. He looked her in the eye and took another hit, pulling his headphones out.

“How could you _do_ this to me? Mom is worried sick, I had to pull a lie out of my ass! She was going to call the cops Connor! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Zoe was almost doing the stompy dance she did when she was little. Connor was getting high enough to actually find it funny.

“I didn’t fucking ask you to cover for me, Zoe.”

“Well, I _did!_ So now you owe me _and_ Evan for covering for your sorry ass!”

“Why did _Evan_ have to cover for me?”

“Because I told Mom you were at his house so she _called him._ And lucky for you he played along with it! I had to pretend I was going to pick you up. Why are you doing this?” Zoe looked like she was on the verge of tears.

“I had a bad fucking day okay? Get off my back!”

“So getting high is suddenly going to make it _so_ much better?”

“Well maybe if Larry didn’t fucking flush my pills down the toilet I wouldn’t have to smoke weed in the fucking first place, Zoe!” He was frustrated, so fucking frustrated. Some tears started escaping and he wiped them away. Zoe slumped down next to him; she didn’t touch him. He hadn’t expected her to.

“Okay, fair enough. Game plan: we get your prescriptions refilled, we put it on my debit card so it looks like I’m picking up my sleep medication, and I hide it in my room. I’ll give it to you every morning, Dad doesn’t need to know. He’ll never search my room.”

“That’s… actually pretty smart,” Connor conceded. He was still trying to wipe away the tears but he knew he was having a panic attack. One of the sobbing, shaking ones, where it feels impossible to move.

“Where’d you even hide that weed? Dad tore your room apart when you went to the hospital. I thought he got all of it.”

“Floorboards.”

“Now _that’s_ a brilliant idea. I should hide brownies down there,” Zoe chuckled. She leaned up against the tree. “So… do you want to talk about it?”

“You’ll think it’s fucking stupid.”

“I mean, maybe? But I’ll still be supportive either way, so shoot!” She put her hand on his shoulder. It made him cry harder for some reason; he hated pity but it had been so long since someone in his family showed him affection. The only one who touched him was his mom, and it was with extreme caution.

“Ms. Ellery kept me after class to talk about my poems… and she said I should try to get them published.”

“Connor, that’s great! Why are you upset about that?”

“Because she’s lying to me! And fucking Alana eavesdropped and fake agreed with her! And the _worst_ fucking part about that was I thought she was my friend. I was fucking _stupid_ to think we could be friends, I’m just her charity case.” He felt like he was blubbering. He didn’t normally talk when he cried. He wondered if this was how Evan felt all the time since he was always on the brink of tears.

“Connor, I don’t think Alana meant anything by it. She was trying to be supportive. I know it’s hard for you to believe, I get it. But if you think they were lying to you, why don’t you ask to talk to them about it? You can straight up tell them you think they’re lying.”

“I guess….”

“And for what it’s worth, I don’t think that Ms. Ellery would ruin her reputation with some publishers and her other colleagues if she _really_ thought you were terrible. I’m sure you’re a lot better than you think you are. Have you talked to Evan about this?”

“I’m trying….” Connor was slowly coming down. Zoe’s shoulder brushed his and he stiffened.

“I bet he’d love to read some of your stuff. He could give you a third opinion!”

“He’s a little biased don’t you think?” Connor chuckled. It wasn’t a bad idea, but Evan might lie to him for fear of getting beat up.

“I could read them. I’m less biased.”

“M-maybe. Writing is kind of personal for me. I only let Alana read them because Ms. Ellery forced me,” Connor admitted. He was worried that Zoe might tell their parents about all the dark themes and have him readmitted to the hospital. Or that she would be creeped out by all the gay subtext. She had been accepting so far, but he knew a lot of people were only supportive on the surface.

“No pressure. We should get home before Mom sends the police to Evan’s house. Poor guy would probably die right on his own doorstep,” Zoe stood and offered her hand. Connor took it cautiously and stood next to her.

“Thanks, Zo.”

“No prob. You’re not getting out of saying something you like about me though.”

“God damn it, I was hoping you forgot about that,” he looked into her eyes but they were unyielding, “Fine, fine! I like how you have flannel in every color of the rainbow. Also that you have the most flannel I’ve ever seen a single person own.”

“I know, it’s a skill to get mom to buy me so many. Once she told me I should try a different kind of shirt and I laughed at her,” Zoe chuckled, “I like that you got your cartilage pierced and Dad somehow hasn’t found out. It looks really good by the way.”

“Thanks, found a place that thought I was an old acquaintance from college and I just rolled with it so they didn’t ask for my ID. And don’t tell anyone.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” Zoe got into the driver’s seat. Connor checked his phone as he got in the passenger’s side.

 

_I’d love to read your stuff sometime._

_I mean, if you want me to._

_You probably don’t want me to._

_But I would still love to._

_To give you a third opinion, you know?_

_I’m going to stop texting now, I’m embarrassing myself I think._


End file.
